If I’ve proved nothing else in this newsletter so far, it’s that we all fail. A lot.
Today, I want to dig a bit deeper than just acknowledging that. What’s actually going on inside our heads? For me, it often feels like alarm klaxons are going off and everyone is running out in panic, a la Inside Out.
Logically though, there must be more to it than that. I spoke to Michaela Thomas, Clinical Psychologist and Therapist of the Thomas Connection about what is actually going on behind the scenes.
What are some common responses to failure?
Everyone fails at times. It feels really uncomfortable, bringing us right up in the face of shame, humiliation, embarrassment, and disappointment. To have a successful career and business, you need to get comfortable with that discomfort, by inviting failure into your life. Otherwise, you'll be stuck.
A fear of failure can cripple you to the point of not taking action at all, perhaps overthinking every move and thus holding yourself back from taking the steps needed to make progress. If you wait until you have all your ducks in a row, to try to avoid failure, you run a greater risk of failure than if you give it your best shot and go for it.
In fact, Wayne Gretzky, arguably one of the most successful ice hockey players in the world, has said: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
Do these responses differ from person to person?
Not everyone reacts the same way to mistakes and failure. Some of us have a stronger internalised voice of negative self-talk, often called 'the inner critic', and this voice can give us a really hard time when we mess up: "You're so stupid, you should have known".
[The inner critic beats] you up for your shortcomings in a harsh way. If you have an active inner critic, odds are that you will feel more crippled by failure than someone who has a kinder, more compassionate inner voice.
Do you have any tips for how people can respond to failure?
If you can talk to yourself about self-correction, e.g. what learning points there are to take away from the failure and what you could do differently next time, you'll recover more quickly from a failure than if you treat yourself with self-criticism, e.g. blaming yourself for things which may not have even been your fault.
What happens in your brain when you beat yourself up, is that you are getting a double whammy of stress hormones, like adrenaline and cortisol.
You are both the attacked and the attacker, both the person who is receiving the criticism and the one giving it.
That uses a lot of energy and is tiring for both your brain and body. It also takes the focus away from growth and learning, and you are instead stuck feeling bad about yourself.
Blaming yourself is less likely to make you correct or change anything to make it better for next time, as what we mainly want to do when we experience shame, is to hide away from that discomfort, fall through the face of the earth, and never emerge again.
What can talking more about our failures do for us?
Being honest about your shortcomings is a vulnerable thing, and we know that vulnerability with others feeds connection with others. You are rated as more likeable if you are showing some of your flaws to others, rather than aiming for a perfect facade (which is impossible to keep up!). So embracing mistakes and imperfections in a self-compassionate and self-corrective way serves you well on three levels:
You'll get unstuck from procrastination and avoidance from that fear of failure
You'll recover faster after a failure happens
You'll be more approachable and likeable in the eyes of others
Embrace failure, and fail fast, so you can move on to the next thing. Aim for progress, not perfection.
Essentially, if you want people to like you, share your flaws! Clearly, you are all big fans of me if you’ve been reading all of my fails that I’ve shared in this newsletter.
On a more serious note, I think the main takeaway from Michaela is to be kinder to yourself. Not in a vague, abstract way, but really put it into practice next time you mess something up. Failure most often comes from us doing something new, trying a different approach, and so on. Putting yourself out there as a freelancer every day is a brave move and one that we don’t big ourselves up for more often.
Next time you mess up, practice some of Michaela’s self-corrective techniques. Talk to yourself how you would if a friend and made the same mistake, then move on from it. It never does anyone any good to sit in their own failure all day.
And hey, if you feel the need to share it more widely, you can always submit it as a Freelancing Fail on here!